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I was at a doctor’s appointment recently and I felt she was not listening to me. I was speaking fluent Mandarin (as was she) and yet, we weren’t communicating well.

Instead of blaming communication problems, I decided to “change the channel” and figure out a bit more about WHO I was talking to. This was very different than my typical American approach: clarify, clarify, clarify my message.

Who Was She?

With no warning, I suddenly started asking questions about how long she’d been in town. It turns out, she’s new to this city and took this job to be the newly promoted department head. One of her new responsibilities is letting med student sit in on her consultations.

“Hi!” I waved to the student who had been sitting behind her the whole time.

I felt it explained everything about the communication difficulties.

Who was I talking to?

• Stranger to the City

• New Leader

• Teacher/advisor

And what do those people need to do when communicating?

• Prove themselves to be valuable

• Show their expertise

• Make a strong (and good) impression

What was not on her priority list: listening in great detail. That took a back burner to giving a decisive diagnosis as quickly as possible.

End of communication problem diagnosis: it’s, once again, about the “who” rather than the other “wh” words.

After we’d had this “chit chat” (which, thankfully, her schedule allowed), we jumped back into talking about “business” (my ailment). It was a night and day difference (or “sky and earth difference” in Mandarin).

“Changing the channel” briefly helped her slow down a bit and listen to me, and also helped me feel more compassion for her situation!

The Angry Van Driver

It reminded me of years ago when traveling in Xi’an with my parents and friends.

We had hired a van for the day and the driver seemed extremely annoyed at everything we were doing:

• He didn’t want to wait for us while we did things (even though we’d hired him for the whole day).

• He disliked the routes we suggested (even though I’d been willing to accept his suggestions).

• He used rough language under (and over) his breath when responding to us.

I looked at my friend Stacy who had understood all the complaints over the course of the day and we raised eyebrows at each other in disbelief.

What I did next surprised me as much as the driver: I climbed into the empty front seat and sat right next to him while the van was in motion.

“You seem upset with us,” I said. “Did we do something wrong?”

“I’m not upset with you,” he said in shock at my sudden appearance. He still sounded very upset.

“Oh! That’s a relief,” I lied, not feeling relieved at all.

“There are so many THINGS to think about,” he continued.

I honestly didn’t know what he meant, so I said nothing.

He continued, “I’ve been out of the army for 4 months and I just can’t get used to civilian life. In the army they tell you what to do, what to eat, when to sleep, where to go… EVERYTHING!”

The scales fell from my eyes and I saw who I was talking to:

• A struggling ex-soldier dealing with the chaos of unstructured life

“That sounds really hard,” I said.

He spent the rest of the 20-minute drive telling me all about his struggles. There was still an undercurrent of anger, but I knew it wasn’t directed at us.

The “change of channel” in this story was a physical change of location (I jumped into the front seat) plus a new topic, which was basically “How are you doing?” That was something I hadn’t ever asked him.

Don’t Talk about the Problem

The most amazing thing is: sometimes not talking about communication difficulties can actually resolve them quicker. But you have to know what to do instead.

My approach with the doctor and the driver was get to know the person a bit more than is typical for patient/doctor or driver/passenger relationships in China.

That was also my approach to dealing with my daughter’s sudden running into the rain: figure out who I’m communicating with.

Sometimes that can be a great approach: talk about the person rather than the problem.

Why am I advocating doing something besides talking about the problem? Because you’ve tried that already. It’s madness to keep trying more of the same and hoping it’ll work THIS time.

Then What Should We Talk about?

Rather than talking about communication problems (when they happen), here are some other counterintuitive approaches to “changing the channel” that might just end up indirectly solving communication issues:

• Ignore the misunderstanding and just focus on what outcome you want

• Give your own “roles” a name and admit how they’ve been complicit in the miscommunication

• Name the “template” between the parties involved and ignore the specific communication breakdown

• Send a real “I message” focusing on your own feelings

• Ask for advice (not necessarily about communication)

• Bring in a 3rd party

• Offer a SCARF chat

Each of these deserves its own article, which I’m looking forward to sharing!

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