The Dark Corner: What are you avoiding?
Disclosure: This post may contain “affiliate links,” meaning I get a tiny commission if you decide to make a purchase through my links, at no cost to you. (It helps pay for the cost of running a website, which is more than it used to be. Thanks!)
We all have things we know we should do. But… just… don’t. There’s something in that “Dark Corner” we just don’t even want to look at.
The main problems with this are:
Benefits: It would be good. We usually don’t think we should do more unhelpful or unhealthy stuff (I used to joke about never hearing anyone say, “I’m thinking of taking up smoking.”)
Guilt: The longer we put it off, the worse we feel. I know the best time to plant a tree was yesterday and the second best time is now. But that’s only helpful if I’m for sure going to plant a tree today. If I STILL don’t, then there’s a kind of “compound interest” around feeling bad about not doing it, which drives me farther from doing it.
Passivity: Often we feel the only way out is for something to HAPPEN. Maybe I need to get a scary health checkup report. Maybe I need the bill collector to threaten me. Maybe I need to hit “rock bottom” somehow to get me out of this mess.
So we’re missing out on the benefits while sinking deeper into guilt, and the only way out is… what exactly? Some unknown crisis in the future that will be the wake-up call I needed.
I’d like to offer a new approach to leading yourself out of this type of mess that doesn’t rely on a major crisis.
Compare Benefits (Apples-to-apples)
For example, I knew I should STOP procrastinating preparing for my presentations, and I knew all the benefits to doing that:
More relaxed during the week
More confident during the presentation
More margin to deal with emergencies that come up and eat up time (“No problem! I’m already prepared!”)
Feeling more like a responsible adult
And this is usually where we stop. We know we should quit smoking, exercise more, speak more kindly, or delegate more. And we know most of the benefits. What we don’t look at are the benefits to NOT doing that.
Here are the benefits to PROCRASTINATING (yes, you read that right. We need to compare benefits to dealing with the Dark Corner and NOT dealing with it):
More time for “inspiration” to strike (letting the cement stay wet longer)
Not feeling “locked in” (see above)
More time for emergencies that come up NOW (yes, not future ones, whatever is urgent at the moment)
Feeling less like a responsible adult
If I’m really honest, there are a huge amount of benefits to procrastinating. Maybe even so many that I don’t want to give them up. When I dealt with the feeling of “loss” that goes along with preparing in advance, I was able to stop procrastinating (read all about it here).
Delete “Would be nice” Draft Plans
Once you have an honest apples-to-apples comparison of benefits, you can also see what things really aren’t that beneficial for you to actually do.
In other words, not all Dark Corners are created equal.
For example, I should remove duplicate files on my hard drive. I have a lot of pictures saved in two places, etc. And I’ve been avoiding doing it. And feeling a little guilty about it.
The amazing thing is: I don’t really know why I should do that. Yes, it is technically a “waste” of computer space, but am I running low on disk space? No. Is it hard to find the files I need? No, just search for them. Is it causing me any problems at all, really?! Actually, no. It would be nice. But that’s it.
So this is on my to-do list, taking up brain space and fueling the guilt engine, but when I take a good honest look at it: I don’t need to do it. Draft plan deleted!
There is a lot of writing out there about prioritization and urgent vs. important matrix, etc. I want to give this one piece of quick advice: what is a Dark Corner of something you’ve not been facing that you can just say, “I’m never going to do that” and just delete it from your list?
Assemble Your Team
A few years ago I had a government process that was really daunting to me to even look at the paperwork for. I’d been putting it off for years. Was it essential? No, but it wasn’t “nice to have” either. I couldn’t avoid it forever and I couldn’t delete it. For me, it was the darkest of all corners. And part of what made it scary was I didn’t know what the result would be.
So, rather than waiting for a wake up call, I decided to take the only step I could bear to take: I told someone about it.
That was it. I simply told a few supportive people: “I need to do this.” That opened the door to accountability, questioning assumptions, cheerleading, and even technical support.
It only took a few months (!) after that to have completed the process!
And I felt so victorious!
Guilt-focused Summary
Sometimes, we’re feeling guilty for no reason. Those are “nice to have” plans that should be deleted. Maybe if you were younger, had unlimited energy, or were still in the same place now as you were when you made that plan it would work. But it’s just not going to happen and you can feel fine with that. Sometimes you just say, “It would have been great to plant a tree in this patch of dirt. But I’m just not going to. It shall forever stay a patch of dirt!”
You might be amazed at how that unlocks a bit of energy, brain space, or even time for other things.
However, there are times we feel guilty for good reason. The only solution to that guilt is to do the right thing. Bite the bullet. Face the Dark Corner, but face it with a team. You may need to outfox yourself by dealing with the benefits of NOT facing the Dark Corner. Or you might just need some good old-fashioned accountability: “If I haven’t done ___ by tomorrow, I’ll pay you 1000 bucks.” Whatever works for you.
The common thread is: no need to wait.
Bonus Tip
Sometimes the reason we haven’t faced the Dark Corner is we’re waiting for something. That’s really important to identify. I frequently ask my clients: “What are you waiting for?” and they say, “You’re right. I should just do it.”
And I have to correct them, “No, I’m genuinely curious. What are you lacking (information, someone else’s action, etc.) that would help you take action on this?” They often haven’t thought about that, but sometimes there is something.
If that’s the case, you need to identify EXACTLY what questions you want to ask (and to whom) if you’re going to move forward.
But the great thing about this is it can be a guilt pressure release valve: “Ahhh… so I’m not a terrible person. I’m a reasonable person who needs some questions answered before I can take action.”
Just be careful that doesn’t become a new excuse not to do anything!
If you’d like to stay in touch and receive the latest posts in your inbox, feel free to subscribe here!
