My Personal Dark Corner (and how I dealt with it)
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This is a continuation of the Dark Corner series about things we know we should do. But… just… don’t.
I wanted to give a deep-dive example to show how it can work and some of the potential pitfalls to applying my advice (explained in more detail here):
Compare benefits (apples-to-apples)
Delete “would be nice” draft plans
Assemble your team
Identify what you’re waiting for (no really, what is it?)
At the risk of distracting everyone with a controversial nutrition debate (why ARE discussions about nutrition so prone to strong feelings?!), I want to talk about how I finally dealt with the Dark Corner of my eating habits: white sugar.
Background and Confession
I’ve known for a while that I eat too much sugar. For example, I know eating a whole pack of Oreos is not healthy. I think I’ve avoided disputable nutrition claims so far, right?
But I have been unwilling to actually take any action to reduce my sugar intake.
The fact is, I didn’t eat as much sugar as many people, and I felt pretty good about that. But whenever we walked by a donut shop (yes, there are a few in China), or McDonald’s, or even just a normal supermarket, I would always have the thought:
“But shouldn’t we just treat ourselves to a well-earned dessert?”
Never mind there was nothing at all in the record book to justify what we’d done to “earn” that dessert. (The best I could come up with was: “Well, I got out of bed today and I didn’t really feel like doing that, so let’s celebrate THAT at least!”)
So while sugar wasn’t a big problem, it was still a problem. And I knew it.
When my recent physical results came out they were not “bad.” But also not the outstanding scores I was expecting. So, I finally turned and faced the Dark Corner: sugar. I looked it straight in the eye and said, “It’s going to have to be you or me.”
And then I sprung into action.
Let’s Take a “Why now?” Interlude
Before we talk about the action, I want to discuss why, after all these years, I suddenly took action. The short answer is: I don’t know.
I think it was a cumulative effect:
Years of knowing this was a Dark Corner (guilt snowball getting bigger and bigger)
Health check result (but, again, that was about half a year ago, but I never forgot)
Health problems reported by people close to me (again, not a direct connection to sugar, but to health in general)
In a generally self-efficacious mood (probably because I was feeling good about other goals getting done)
I think the takeaway is that it’s ok to not really understand why you do things and size the opportunity if you’re suddenly in the mood to deal with a Dark Corner. Strike while the feeling is hot, and especially get to the “assemble your team” step ASAP!
Compare Benefits (Apples-to-apples)
The first thing I did was clear the family whiteboard. I always feel great erasing a whiteboard. “Something is HAPPENING around here,” I tell myself. I then started writing an action plan.
But really, what I should have done first (and didn’t) was compare the benefits to cutting white sugar from my life with the benefits to KEEPING white sugar in my life. Remember this is NOT a pros/cons list of cutting sugar. That would be a list of good things and maybe hard things about cutting sugar. I’m interested in the pros of doing it, and the pros (benefits and incentives) of NOT doing. While that might seem like the same thing as a pros/cons list, I assure you it’s very different.
Here’s what I had internalized and explained to my wife:
Benefits to CUTTING white sugar as a family:
Better health results
Cheaper / save money on desserts (although… not necessarily if we get fancy sugar-alternative stuff)
Establish a sugar-free culture in my family
Stabilize kid’s emotions (we noticed the “sugar crash” is very real, especially for our daughter)
Feeling I’m finally doing the right thing (sweeping the Dark Corner!)
And this is usually where we stop.
Rather than outline the “cons” (what will be hard about cutting sugar), here’s the next list.
Benefits KEEPING white sugar brings to me and my family:
Easy way to “reward” myself and family with an exciting treat (“Hurray!” the kids shout when I announce an ice cream cone is coming)
Feeling superior that I can eat lots of sugar and not gain weight (just a quirk of my metabolism)
Nostalgia (chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, etc. all have happy childhood memories)
Connection to tradition (holiday-based treats like hot chocolate or pumpkin pie make those events special)
Can always be polite when offered a sugary snack by a guest or when I’m a guest
Isn’t that so very interesting! Sugar is actually solving lots of problems for me: saves me from thinking too much (#1), gives me lots of nice feelings that I like (#2-4), and it’s actually better for OTHER people for me to eat sugar (#5). Wouldn’t want to be rude, right?
Never mind it tastes good. I’ve left that off my list because it just doesn’t explain anything helpful for facing the Dark Corner.
Why is it so important to deal with the second list? Because each of those 5 items needs to be addressed specifically and directly in the Action Plan.
Delete “Would be nice” Draft Plans
This step was basically skipped. I knew this was a draft plan that I wanted to do. No reason to delete the plan to get rid of sugar.
The guilt is based on something I really should do, not something that would just be nice. This plan made the cut and didn’t get deleted!
Assemble Your Team
One reason I wrote on a whiteboard is so that the whole family (wife and both kids) would feel part of the project. Here’s how it worked:
Albert: (in a loud and grand voice) “I declare this family shall stop eating sugary snacks and desserts!”
Wife: (clapping and failing to ask any questions at all) “Yeah!!!!”
Kids: (confused but appreciating hype of any kind) “Yeah!!!” (and jumping around)
The emotional support of people telling me I’m on the right track is so crucial to sweeping out the Dark Corner.
But more than that, I actually can’t do it without their input and support.
The Action Plan Itself
Although it’s not the main point of this article, I’m willing to share the exact action plan we made together for the following reasons:
To show how we combated each of the benefits to KEEPING white sugar (had to deal with them)
To share that this evolved over 3-4 weeks (we kept thinking of new things and adding them)
To show it’s a work in progress (lots of progress made, but a bunch not done yet)
A few things to note:
It was easier than I thought it would be to find sugar-free recipes (and we still can make our own ice cream!)
“Hero Snacks” are defined as “eat as much as you want anytime they’re brought out”
Visiting policy is supposed to deal with the “rudeness” issue:
Preventative: try to bring our own dessert
In the moment: Allow 1 small portion (of sugary dessert)
Parents eat the same as kids
Preventative: try to give away all leftovers
Holiday policy
Day before / of / after holiday everyone is allowed one small, seasonal treat
Parents eat the same as kids
We’re making steady progress, and we’re feeling good!
The Biggest Surprise
The plan is a big, messy combination of social elements (tell people we know, get buy-in, etc.) and the practical (list everything we need to get rid of). The order is a mess. The handwriting is a mess. And the progress was immediate. But also ongoing (we just gave away all our hot chocolate packets yesterday).
The biggest surprise was just how easy it has been for everyone to adjust. We got a lot of buy-in and support from friends and family (I guess sugar is a pretty easy common enemy to agree on). The “cold turkey” approach has been excellent. But it’s cold turkey in resolve, with a little bit of grace for implementation.
Bonus Tip
In case you can’t read my handwriting, there’s one item in the plan that’s very different than the other ones:
October 8: evaluate how this is all going and anything we missed
That’s super important because it’s an admission that this is a work in progress and we’re not expecting ourselves to be perfect on day 1 (which was October 1). Building in some self-compassion is always important!
So what are you waiting for before facing your Dark Corner? You might consider jumping directly to assemble your team by sending a message: “Hey! I want to ask for your help dealing with a tough thing for me. Are you open to that?” Maybe you’ll have a big surprise too!
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